She wandered through the kitchen and it flashed before her. The draw where the knives were held. Maybe it was normal. Normal to remember where the knives were. But was it normal to imagine opening the drawer, grabbing one and stabbing herself? She didn’t think so. It was too… too scary… too crazy to be normal and so she never told anyone how often that thought crossed her mind. She didn’t tell anyone that she wondered if, when the blade pierced her skin, it would cut through the tormented thoughts in her mind, silencing them all and giving her mind a much needed rest. That she wondered if it would hurt more than the emotional pain she was feeling or perhaps, like the blood that would pour from her skin, the anguish in her heart would leak out of her, until she was left with no feeling, no pain. Wondering if she would finally find release from everything. Because that’s all she wanted. Release. Release from the pain bullying caused, not just at school, but also at home. Release from the tormented thoughts in her mind caused from it all. Nobody likes you. You’re such a failure. And it was true you know? Nobody did. Why else would they find reasons to always bring her down? She was always worried the few friends she had didn’t like her either and that they were going to drop her soon, so she always did her best to please their wants and needs. Release from the constant nostalgia and ache she had for the country of her childhood. Release from the too many nights she cried herself to sleep. She held her breath as she passed the draw and made her way into her room where she shut the door and lay on her bed. A voice in her head reminded her she could pray, but she didn’t think it would do anything, because although she went to church, and life group, she thought someone had made the bible up and tricked a whole lot of people to believe in it, so what use would prayer be? She opened her school bag and pulled out a book she’d got from the library because reading gave her a temporary escape from life, where she could immerse herself in the life of a fictional character and forget about her own. In the book she’d picked out for today however, the main character struggled with bullying, and she wanted to know how the character coped, because it might be useful for her own life. The character talked about having a hole in her heart from loneliness and trying to fill it, which is where she met God and he filled it for her. The reader put the book down at the end and mentally felt for her pounding heart and realised it felt empty. Far too empty. Filled with pain, too much pain, hollowed out where she knew something had to be, and she didn’t know until now what it was. She broke down into sobs because she hated it. Hated the pain, the loneliness, the hole where her heart should be filled. She wanted it to be filled, gosh, she wanted it to be whole. If she tried death and it didn’t bring her release she wouldn’t be able to try other options. So before she decided to die, maybe she should give this God thing a go and see? So the girl closed her eyes, and said “God I believe you’re real. I want to give my heart to you.” And that’s when she knew. Knew it wasn’t made up but real. God was real. He showed her a mental picture of Jesus on the cross and said: “I understand your pain. I went through pain too. And you know what? I love you, and you are not alone.” And life after that wasn’t perfect, nobody’s life is, but she now had something to life for, something that meant she could wake up and smile because she knew she was loved and never alone. She was in search of death but instead she found life. And that meant everything.
So if you’ve been following along with this blog at all you’ll know that I once considered suicide, and the main factor behind it? Bullying. Looking back now I have found some quotes I which I wish I’d read when I was bullied and so I’m going to share some and I might make a part two if I think of or read anymore. Also you’re welcome to share quotes as well.
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” -anonymous
“If people are constantly trying to bring you down it means you are higher than them.” – Anonymous (I like the sentiment of it. I don’t promote arrogance in any way)
“Even a falling star still shines.”- Tablo, Epik High
“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S Lewis
“It is easier to be happy if you look beyond imperfections, than seeking happiness by trying too hard to make everything perfect.”- anonymous
“Only dead fish follow the stream.” (Found it on a sign in a gift shop)
“The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlights reel.” -Steven Furtick
“Always remember that your present situation is not your final destination. The best is yet to come.” -Anonymous
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7
I’ve always felt as though other people saw monsters in me and that must be why everyone disliked me. But I was wrong. There are people out there who like who I am. There are people out there who want to be my friend genuinely, not because they pity me, being the girl who got picked on for no reason. People didn’t always see me as this walking failure like I thought they did. No. They actually care. And there’s people in your life who genuinely care too. Go ahead. Scoff. A few years back I would’ve too. In fact the feeling of knowing that nobody really cared about me at all, that they were just pretending, because as friends and family you’re supposed to act like you care, the fact that I was a failure, that people seemed to see this monster inside me was my breaking point. But my breaking point was based on lies. I have heard so many sob stories from family and friends of people who commit suicide. Watch or read one. You think nobody cares? Tell that to the people bawling their eyes out, their heart in so much pain, knowing the person they care about ended their life. There will be people in your life too who would feel the same. In fact there probably someone you feel that way about. Imagine your sister or your best friend or your grandma committing suicide because they thought nobody cared. But you do. And so do they. We are all human which means the way we feel about others is the way people feel about us. If you care about someone, somebody cares about you. We’re all wired with the same feelings, you’re not the only one who feels the way you do. There is someone who really, honestly cares. You know it. I know it. If you’re still unsure, grab a notebook and write down every time someone compliments you. You look nice today. You’re good at drawing. Anything somebody says that’s a compliment. Then after a few days flick through your notebook and read each one out. Bob said my hair was nice. My sister told me she loved my cookies. As you read them out, you are reminding yourself of the truth, that there are people who care. So often we focus on the negative things people tell us and that just feeds the lies growing in our heads. But we should be feeding ourselves with positivity. So reminding yourself of the people in your life that do care? That’s a great feeling.
You are amazing. You are good looking. You are not a failure. You are valuable. Tell yourself positive things. I struggled with the monsters inside my head that always brought me down. I struggled with other people telling me things that I never should’ve believed like you’re never going to get anyone. Who would want to date someone like you? Negative thoughts kept pressing down my brain, leaving me feeling like an absolute wreck. And I was. And you may be too. And wishing you could just escape from all of the negativity. But the key to overcoming negativity is with positivity. So tell yourself positive things. I know, I can already hear you saying but I’m not amazing, I’m not good looking, I’m not this, I’m not that. You know what that is? That’s your thoughts feeding you lies, even if you didn’t think they are. I truly did believe I was failure for a few years before I realised that it’s not true at all. So tell yourself that your negative thoughts aren’t true and switch them around to make them positive. Keep feeding yourself with positive thoughts. Say aloud to yourself I am amazing, I am valuable, throughout the next few days and then you’ll find yourself believing and feeling like you are. I know it sounds super cheesy, and you might be thinking I’m not going to do something as cheesy as that. But give it a try. You’ll be surprised by the results.