My Heart is Heavy

I can see the blade glinting as you draw it near, feel your hands shaking as you lift the pills closer to your lips, taste the air you’re choking on as you tighten the rope around your neck, feel the cool metal as you press the gun to your temple, hear the whistling wind as you balance precariously on the edge of the bridge. This is it. This is it. This is it. And then, you’re gone. And do you know how much it breaks my heart? I’m crying as I write this. But you can’t see the tears spilling down my cheeks. I wish you could. I wish you could see how loved you are, by the strange girl who’s writing this. My heart feels so heavy, burdened by the weight of all your pain. Why does it hurt so much? It is breaking my heart, but yet with every crack a bit of love leaks out and I hope that it reaches wherever you are, wraps itself around you like a warm hug and gently whispers in your ear: “This is not the end.”

People Do Care

I’ve always felt as though other people saw monsters in me and that must be why everyone disliked me. But I was wrong. There are people out there who like who I am. There are people out there who want to be my friend genuinely, not because they pity me, being the girl who got picked on for no reason. People didn’t always see me as this walking failure like I thought they did. No. They actually care. And there’s people in your life who genuinely care too. Go ahead. Scoff. A few years back I would’ve too. In fact the feeling of knowing that nobody really cared about me at all, that they were just pretending, because as friends and family you’re supposed to act like you care, the fact that I was a failure, that people seemed to see this monster inside me was my breaking point. But my breaking point was based on lies. I have heard so many sob stories from family and friends of people who commit suicide. Watch or read one. You think nobody cares? Tell that to the people bawling their eyes out, their heart in so much pain, knowing the person they care about ended their life. There will be people in your life too who would feel the same. In fact there probably someone you feel that way about. Imagine your sister or your best friend or your grandma committing suicide because they thought nobody cared. But you do. And so do they. We are all human which means the way we feel about others is the way people feel about us. If you care about someone, somebody cares about you. We’re all wired with the same feelings, you’re not the only one who feels the way you do. There is someone who really, honestly cares. You know it. I know it. If you’re still unsure, grab a notebook and write down every time someone compliments you. You look nice today. You’re good at drawing. Anything somebody says that’s a compliment. Then after a few days flick through your notebook and read each one out. Bob said my hair was nice. My sister told me she loved my cookies. As you read them out, you are reminding yourself of the truth, that there are people who care. So often we focus on the negative things people tell us and that just feeds the lies growing in our heads. But we should be feeding ourselves with positivity. So reminding yourself of the people in your life that do care? That’s a great feeling.