She wandered through the kitchen and it flashed before her. The draw where the knives were held. Maybe it was normal. Normal to remember where the knives were. But was it normal to imagine opening the drawer grabbing one and stabbing herself? She didn’t think so. It was too… too scary… too crazy to be normal and so she never told anyone how often that thought crossed her mind. She didn’t tell anyone that she wondered if, when the blade pierced her skin, it would cut through the tormented thoughts in her mind, silencing them all and giving her mind a much needed rest. That she wondered if it would hurt more than the emotional pain she was feeling or perhaps, like the blood that would pour from her skin, the anguish in her heart would leak out of her, until she was left with no feeling, no pain. Wondering if she would finally find release from everything. Because that’s all she wanted. Release. Release from the pain bullying caused, not just at school, but also at home. Release from the tormented thoughts in her mind caused from it all. Nobody likes you. You’re such a failure. And it was true you know? Nobody did. Why else would they find reasons to always bring her down? She was always worried the few friends she had didn’t like her either and that they were going to drop her soon, so she always did her best to please their wants and needs. Release from the constant nostalgia and ache she had for the country of her childhood. Release from the too many nights she cried herself to sleep. She held her breath as she passed the draw and made her way into her room where she shut the door and lay on her bed. A voice in her head reminded her she could pray, but she didn’t think it would do anything, because although she went to church, and life group, she thought someone had made the bible up and tricked a whole lot of people to believe in it, so what use would prayer be? She opened her school bag and pulled out a book she’d got from the library because reading gave her a temporary escape from life, where she could immerse herself in the life of a fictional character and forget about her own. In the book she’d picked out for today however, the main character struggled with bullying, and she wanted to know how the character coped, because it might be useful for her own life. The character talked about having a hole in her heart from loneliness and trying to fill it, which is where she met God and he filled it for her. The reader put the book down at the end and mentally felt for her pounding heart and realised it felt empty. Far too empty. Filled with pain, too much pain, hollowed out where she knew something had to be, and she didn’t know until now what it was. She broke down into sobs because she hated it. Hated the pain, the loneliness, the hole where her heart should be filled. She wanted it to be filled, gosh, she wanted it to be whole. If she tried death and it didn’t bring her release she wouldn’t be able to try other options. So before she decided to die, maybe she should give this God thing a go and see? So the girl closed her eyes, and said “God I believe you’re real. I want to give my heart to you.” And that’s when she knew. Knew it wasn’t made up but real. God was real. He showed her a mental picture of Jesus on the cross and said: “I understand your pain. I went through pain too. And you know what? I love you, and you are not alone.” And life after that wasn’t perfect, nobody’s life is, but she now had something to life for, something that meant she could wake up and smile because she knew she was loved and never alone. She was in search of death but instead she found life. And that meant everything.
So remember two post ago I asked you to do something crazy and I said I was. Guess what! I did. I talked to my crush for over an hour! 🙂 Anyway, it led me to this next post. Most of the posts so far have all been about you, which is great, because hopefully it has helped you realise that when you feel as dark inside as your world outside, maybe even more so, you realise, there’s still flickers of light in you that haven’t gone out, or maybe you have new ones burning. But this time, I want you to focus on someone other than yourself. I want you to make someone else feel better with your words. Maybe you ain’t much of a talker like me, then message them. Say a compliment, maybe tell them something you appreciate about them, maybe tell them you think they’re cool or something. But I don’t want you to choose someone you’d normally say it to. I want you to pick someone you’ve admired but maybe haven’t really told them you do. You may think my idea is stupid. But you know what? You might just make their day. And if you’re wondering what about me? What about all the stuff I’m feeling and going through? This will improve your happiness. Trust me. When you make others feel good, it makes you feel really good. There’s something magical about letting someone know there’s someone out there who admires them. And you know what, you can be in charge of passing out that magic. I think one of the reasons the world is so dark is because there’s not enough people building each other up and not enough people realising how loved they are, because not enough people are telling them. So tell people. Sprinkle love around like fairy dust, because it’s the thing that makes life magical!
I can see the blade glinting as you draw it near, feel your hands shaking as you lift the pills closer to your lips, taste the air you’re choking on as you tighten the rope around your neck, feel the cool metal as you press the gun to your temple, hear the whistling wind as you balance precariously on the edge of the bridge. This is it. This is it. This is it. And then, you’re gone. And do you know how much it breaks my heart? I’m crying as I write this. But you can’t see the tears spilling down my cheeks. I wish you could. I wish you could see how loved you are, by the strange girl who’s writing this. My heart feels so heavy, burdened by the weight of all your pain. Why does it hurt so much? It is breaking my heart, but yet with every crack a bit of love leaks out and I hope that it reaches wherever you are, wraps itself around you like a warm hug and gently whispers in your ear: “This is not the end.”
I’ve always felt as though other people saw monsters in me and that must be why everyone disliked me. But I was wrong. There are people out there who like who I am. There are people out there who want to be my friend genuinely, not because they pity me, being the girl who got picked on for no reason. People didn’t always see me as this walking failure like I thought they did. No. They actually care. And there’s people in your life who genuinely care too. Go ahead. Scoff. A few years back I would’ve too. In fact the feeling of knowing that nobody really cared about me at all, that they were just pretending, because as friends and family you’re supposed to act like you care, the fact that I was a failure, that people seemed to see this monster inside me was my breaking point. But my breaking point was based on lies. I have heard so many sob stories from family and friends of people who commit suicide. Watch or read one. You think nobody cares? Tell that to the people bawling their eyes out, their heart in so much pain, knowing the person they care about ended their life. There will be people in your life too who would feel the same. In fact there probably someone you feel that way about. Imagine your sister or your best friend or your grandma committing suicide because they thought nobody cared. But you do. And so do they. We are all human which means the way we feel about others is the way people feel about us. If you care about someone, somebody cares about you. We’re all wired with the same feelings, you’re not the only one who feels the way you do. There is someone who really, honestly cares. You know it. I know it. If you’re still unsure, grab a notebook and write down every time someone compliments you. You look nice today. You’re good at drawing. Anything somebody says that’s a compliment. Then after a few days flick through your notebook and read each one out. Bob said my hair was nice. My sister told me she loved my cookies. As you read them out, you are reminding yourself of the truth, that there are people who care. So often we focus on the negative things people tell us and that just feeds the lies growing in our heads. But we should be feeding ourselves with positivity. So reminding yourself of the people in your life that do care? That’s a great feeling.
Before I start this post I want to apologise if you think my first post was a bit too cheerful. But I know what it’s like being in such a dark place on the brink of life or death, and I believe the only thing that keeps you going is something that makes you smile, or if you’re not the smiling type, something that at least brings a little light to your darkness, so that’s what I am to do with this blog. So I may be cheerful, not to offend, but to brighten your worlds, even if it’s only a light as small as one birthday candle. So this post is going to be about thankfulness. You may not think you have anything to be thankful for because life sucks. But you do. We all do. It could be a great sister, a good friend, people if you have them. It could be the stars in the sky you’re thankful for, because they’re just so beautiful. It could be pizza or chocolate cake. It could be music. It could be something you’re passionate about like playing soccer (that’s not something I can do, so if you can, be thankful, not everyone has been blessed with athletic abilities. Same goes for other talents). Whatever it is, there is something I know you’re thankful for. So what I want you to do is think of one thing you’re thankful for and write it down. That’s it. Just write it down and think about how you’re thankful for it. So often when we’re in a dark place we forget the things we have to be thankful for, and focus instead of all the things that darken our world. I know when I was considering suicide, I focused on nothing but my pain and my problems for so long and forgot about everything else. But we shouldn’t forget about everything else. By being thankful you’re getting to see bits of light in the dark. And that’s always a good thing. So be thankful about something today.