Does God Hate Me?

Have you asked this question before? I have but I now know the answer and I want to share it with you. God doesn’t hate you. He loves you to pieces. Maybe you’ve done something in the past to make you believe you’re on His bad side. You’re not and never will be. God really, really loves you. I want to say it a million times, shout it from the top of my roof so everybody can hear (they’d think I was a lunatic though). But my point is I know where you’re coming from. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Chron’s disease which resulted in stomach pains, trouble eating, weight loss, and vomiting, but on and off. I honestly thought God was punishing me for various things I won’t go into detail about, and that I was in his bad books which is why I was suffering. I was not. God actually said to me “I’m smiling down on you.” God is not punishing you. God is love. God is good. Pain, hurt, anger, loneliness and other negative emotions are not of God, but are a way for the devil to trick you into believing God is allowing you to suffer when He’s not. I believe seeing you suffer breaks His heart. God couldn’t bear to look at Jesus suffering on the cross and He’s called us His children too which means he can’t bear to see us suffer either. His arms are open wide, waiting for us to fall into them and find the hope, peace and love we’re looking for. Also, because of my struggle, it brought back suicidal thoughts and I was wanting to drown earlier this year, which is part of the reason I’ve been away so long. Sorry guys. Anyway, maybe you think God is angry at you, because of the actual thought that you want to commit suicide. God doesn’t hate you for thinking that way. He’s just heartbroken that you’d even consider it. Heartbroken that He’s created you, beautiful and unique and for a purpose you have yet to fulfil, and yet your wanting to throw it away because at the moment, life isn’t turning out the way you hoped. Heck, after all God has done for me, I’m heartbroken to think you’re even considering it, knowing how much God wants you to be His. I just really felt like there’s people I should tell this too. God definitely doesn’t hate you. He never could hate you. Not when there’s so much love in Him, so much goodness, so much peace. He wants you to receive it. So go on, tell God you’re waiting, and let His arms wrap around you.


The Girl Behind the Blog- a Testimony

She wandered through the kitchen and it flashed before her. The draw where the knives were held. Maybe it was normal. Normal to remember where the knives were. But was it normal to imagine opening the drawer, grabbing one and stabbing herself? She didn’t think so. It was too… too scary… too crazy to be normal and so she never told anyone how often that thought crossed her mind. She didn’t tell anyone that she wondered if, when the blade pierced her skin, it would cut through the tormented thoughts in her mind, silencing them all and giving her mind a much needed rest. That she wondered if it would hurt more than the emotional pain she was feeling or perhaps, like the blood that would pour from her skin, the anguish in her heart would leak out of her, until she was left with no feeling, no pain. Wondering if she would finally find release from everything. Because that’s all she wanted. Release. Release from the pain bullying caused, not just at school, but also at home. Release from the tormented thoughts in her mind caused from it all. Nobody likes you. You’re such a failure. And it was true you know? Nobody did. Why else would they find reasons to always bring her down? She was always worried the few friends she had didn’t like her either and that they were going to drop her soon, so she always did her best to please their wants and needs. Release from the constant nostalgia and ache she had for the country of her childhood. Release from the too many nights she cried herself to sleep. She held her breath as she passed the draw and made her way into her room where she shut the door and lay on her bed. A voice in her head reminded her she could pray, but she didn’t think it would do anything, because although she went to church, and life group, she thought someone had made the bible up and tricked a whole lot of people to believe in it, so what use would prayer be? She opened her school bag and pulled out a book she’d got from the library because reading gave her a temporary escape from life, where she could immerse herself in the life of a fictional character and forget about her own. In the book she’d picked out for today however, the main character struggled with bullying, and she wanted to know how the character coped, because it might be useful for her own life. The character talked about having a hole in her heart from loneliness and trying to fill it, which is where she met God and he filled it for her. The reader put the book down at the end and mentally felt for her pounding heart and realised it felt empty. Far too empty. Filled with pain, too much pain, hollowed out where she knew something had to be, and she didn’t know until now what it was. She broke down into sobs because she hated it. Hated the pain, the loneliness, the hole where her heart should be filled. She wanted it to be filled, gosh, she wanted it to be whole. If she tried death and it didn’t bring her release she wouldn’t be able to try other options. So before she decided to die, maybe she should give this God thing a go and see? So the girl closed her eyes, and said “God I believe you’re real. I want to give my heart to you.” And that’s when she knew. Knew it wasn’t made up but real. God was real. He showed her a mental picture of Jesus on the cross and said: “I understand your pain. I went through pain too. And you know what? I love you, and you are not alone.” And life after that wasn’t perfect, nobody’s life is, but she now had something to life for, something that meant she could wake up and smile because she knew she was loved and never alone. She was in search of death but instead she found life. And that meant everything.