Have you asked this question before? I have but I now know the answer and I want to share it with you. God doesn’t hate you. He loves you to pieces. Maybe you’ve done something in the past to make you believe you’re on His bad side. You’re not and never will be. God really, really loves you. I want to say it a million times, shout it from the top of my roof so everybody can hear (they’d think I was a lunatic though). But my point is I know where you’re coming from. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Chron’s disease which resulted in stomach pains, trouble eating, weight loss, and vomiting, but on and off. I honestly thought God was punishing me for various things I won’t go into detail about, and that I was in his bad books which is why I was suffering. I was not. God actually said to me “I’m smiling down on you.” God is not punishing you. God is love. God is good. Pain, hurt, anger, loneliness and other negative emotions are not of God, but are a way for the devil to trick you into believing God is allowing you to suffer when He’s not. I believe seeing you suffer breaks His heart. God couldn’t bear to look at Jesus suffering on the cross and He’s called us His children too which means he can’t bear to see us suffer either. His arms are open wide, waiting for us to fall into them and find the hope, peace and love we’re looking for. Also, because of my struggle, it brought back suicidal thoughts and I was wanting to drown earlier this year, which is part of the reason I’ve been away so long. Sorry guys. Anyway, maybe you think God is angry at you, because of the actual thought that you want to commit suicide. God doesn’t hate you for thinking that way. He’s just heartbroken that you’d even consider it. Heartbroken that He’s created you, beautiful and unique and for a purpose you have yet to fulfil, and yet your wanting to throw it away because at the moment, life isn’t turning out the way you hoped. Heck, after all God has done for me, I’m heartbroken to think you’re even considering it, knowing how much God wants you to be His. I just really felt like there’s people I should tell this too. God definitely doesn’t hate you. He never could hate you. Not when there’s so much love in Him, so much goodness, so much peace. He wants you to receive it. So go on, tell God you’re waiting, and let His arms wrap around you.
So remember two post ago I asked you to do something crazy and I said I was. Guess what! I did. I talked to my crush for over an hour! 🙂 Anyway, it led me to this next post. Most of the posts so far have all been about you, which is great, because hopefully it has helped you realise that when you feel as dark inside as your world outside, maybe even more so, you realise, there’s still flickers of light in you that haven’t gone out, or maybe you have new ones burning. But this time, I want you to focus on someone other than yourself. I want you to make someone else feel better with your words. Maybe you ain’t much of a talker like me, then message them. Say a compliment, maybe tell them something you appreciate about them, maybe tell them you think they’re cool or something. But I don’t want you to choose someone you’d normally say it to. I want you to pick someone you’ve admired but maybe haven’t really told them you do. You may think my idea is stupid. But you know what? You might just make their day. And if you’re wondering what about me? What about all the stuff I’m feeling and going through? This will improve your happiness. Trust me. When you make others feel good, it makes you feel really good. There’s something magical about letting someone know there’s someone out there who admires them. And you know what, you can be in charge of passing out that magic. I think one of the reasons the world is so dark is because there’s not enough people building each other up and not enough people realising how loved they are, because not enough people are telling them. So tell people. Sprinkle love around like fairy dust, because it’s the thing that makes life magical!
I can see the blade glinting as you draw it near, feel your hands shaking as you lift the pills closer to your lips, taste the air you’re choking on as you tighten the rope around your neck, feel the cool metal as you press the gun to your temple, hear the whistling wind as you balance precariously on the edge of the bridge. This is it. This is it. This is it. And then, you’re gone. And do you know how much it breaks my heart? I’m crying as I write this. But you can’t see the tears spilling down my cheeks. I wish you could. I wish you could see how loved you are, by the strange girl who’s writing this. My heart feels so heavy, burdened by the weight of all your pain. Why does it hurt so much? It is breaking my heart, but yet with every crack a bit of love leaks out and I hope that it reaches wherever you are, wraps itself around you like a warm hug and gently whispers in your ear: “This is not the end.”